Anything I've felt in the last two years is nothing compared to the highs and lows I've experienced in the past month and a half since I finished nursing my youngest. I shift from Euphoric to crazed hopelessness in seconds and then back to a manic stream of thoughts that leaves me unable to form coherent speech.
I...don't know what to do. The last three days have been so out of control that I have gone from feeling inundating happiness and love to not being able to feel love at all and honestly feeling like there was nothing to live for.
I don't feel comfortable disclosing what I tried to do during that time, but I do know
I need help.
I need help, and I don't know what to do.
I need help, and I don't where to begin.
What is my life worth when all I do is break my husband's heart with my unhinged mental state? What is my life worth when all my children see is a mother whose emotions deteriorate until I'm completely and mentally incapacitated?
The last several medications I tried just made things worse. Should I just go to a doctor anyway? Should I see my bishop? Should I go to counseling? Should I just get more sleep and take Fish oil pills??
If you read this and are someone who knows me, do NOT call me about it. I'm devastated and absolutely embarrassed that my bipolar disorder is getting so hard to deal with. The last thing I need is a well-meaning intervention/turned awkward phone call.
In fact don't even acknowledge that you read this. I'm mortified by the turn each of the last few days has taken. I cannot express properly how humiliated I am right now, and I would just appreciate prayers and anonymity. I just want everything to go away. I don't want to hurt anymore.
