The only time I actually felt like I was getting truly depressed during those past few weeks was three days a little over a week ago while my parents were in town visiting. I don't know if it was stress, sleep deprivation, just hormones, or a combination of those (and possibly other) factors.
Then my parents left AND my husband went out of town for 4 days for a work conference. I thought it was going to be horrible, and I would die or implode or go insane, but none of those things happened. My oldest was on time to school every day, we were eating relatively healthy meals, and I felt - for the first time in my life - that if worse came to worst that I'd actually probably be able to handle being a single mom and not completely suck at it.
Things haven't been all daisies and roses though. It's most likely the sleep deprivation, but I'm having a lot of trouble accessing my romantic side. I feel so deadened in that area that I'm afraid to even cuddle with my husband for fear that he might want to do more as a result. He's mentioned this before during a few rough patches, and I recalled again today, that during times like these it's not like we're married so much as roommates who happen to share a bed...
And today I felt depressed. Badly. I even considered writing a letter to my husband explaining that I would understand if he wanted to leave me. I feel guilty for being tired, for feeling so little outward affection, for not being the fun and quirky person I know is in there somewhere. I know I shouldn't punish myself, but I want to get out of this rut. I want to be me again.
