The only time I actually felt like I was getting truly depressed during those past few weeks was three days a little over a week ago while my parents were in town visiting. I don't know if it was stress, sleep deprivation, just hormones, or a combination of those (and possibly other) factors.
Then my parents left AND my husband went out of town for 4 days for a work conference. I thought it was going to be horrible, and I would die or implode or go insane, but none of those things happened. My oldest was on time to school every day, we were eating relatively healthy meals, and I felt - for the first time in my life - that if worse came to worst that I'd actually probably be able to handle being a single mom and not completely suck at it.
Things haven't been all daisies and roses though. It's most likely the sleep deprivation, but I'm having a lot of trouble accessing my romantic side. I feel so deadened in that area that I'm afraid to even cuddle with my husband for fear that he might want to do more as a result. He's mentioned this before during a few rough patches, and I recalled again today, that during times like these it's not like we're married so much as roommates who happen to share a bed...
And today I felt depressed. Badly. I even considered writing a letter to my husband explaining that I would understand if he wanted to leave me. I feel guilty for being tired, for feeling so little outward affection, for not being the fun and quirky person I know is in there somewhere. I know I shouldn't punish myself, but I want to get out of this rut. I want to be me again.
Hang in there. Your hormones will get back to normal in the coming months. Don't not cuddle though. Just say, "I want to hug you, but nothing more right now." Trust me, he needs love even if it's not the romantic kind. I remember seeing Dave lay on the bed facing the wall one afternoon and I just got the strongest impression that I needed to stop what I was doing and cuddle with him. I did, while apologizing once again for not feeling anything, and I'll never forget his emotional face when he finally turned around and said he missed me, he missed us holding each other. Even if you don't feel it right now, fake it for his sake. HUG HIM! Tell him it will take time to get your libido back, but it will come back. Just because you don't want to be romantic doesn't mean you have to with distance yourself from each other in every other way. I'm calling the prayer roll line right now. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Linda, but also, if you're nursing, your libido will be gone. All of your physical need for "touch" is being fulfilled by your baby. Even though it's not in a romantic way, your body will still feel like it's getting more than it's fill of "touch." Don't feel guilty about it though, do as Linda suggested with your husband, and know you're selflessly helping your baby in a way that will help her for the rest of her life. You'll return to normal soon enough. But trust me, the two weeks after you quit nursing... well, your body will crave it so much that you will have romance like you've never imagined. Hormones will rage and... all will be forgiven many times over. ;) Lol.
ReplyDeleteJust read this: http://fiercemarriage.com/15-second-kiss-experiment. We are totally going to try it. No commitment for anything beyond the 15 seconds, but I think it will help us feel closer during the yucky pregnancy moments.
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