August 22, 2014
I was so exuberantly hyper the whole morning. It feels like so long ago now. I had a mental breakdown tonight. I threw things and yelled at my husband. I told my oldest daughter I didn't want to be a parent. I told her I was tired of trying so hard for so long. I went out on the deck and stood on the porch in the middle of a heavy rainstorm. It was like ice. I stayed there for several minutes. Rain and icy wind and incoherent streams of crazed thought. My husband didn't know I was on the porch and locked the door. I thought about knocking. Instead I just curled up on the wooden slats until I couldn't feel my toes. He saw me and let me in. I curled up on the mat next to the door and cried. My oldest daughter came down the stairs, also crying. I told her I wasn't myself and that she should leave me alone so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. She cried harder. She tried to hug me, but I was soaking wet. The rest of the evening is a blur, but I got her back upstairs to bed and said some apologetic excuses to my husband that I can't remember. Later I tried to go down the stairs and slipped down several steps. It's probably not broken, but there'll be no escaping now...........
August 23, 2014
It hurts to walk. I'm being mean to everyone but can't seem to help it. Can't I just tell my husband I love him? I can't get out more than a few words at a time before my brain seems to short circuit. I tried. I couldn't talk. My ankle hurts a lot. A bad sprain I guess. There is a weight on everything I try to do. When I try to do normal things my hands start shaking, and I start twitching. I don't remember what I'm trying to say. I can't, can't can't think anymore...
August 24, 2014
I'm ashamed and embarrassed at my behavior the past couple of days, but I don't remember what really happened. I'm pretty sure it started with anxiety fed by frustration that catalyzed a manic frenzy (hence the throwing things). The end of a really bad manic episode for me tends to immediately fishtail into an uncontrollable depressive episode. Fortunately it seems to be in submission for now. I cleaned a bit and talked with my husband a lot last night, and that helped immensely.
It's curious how emotional distress of that magnitude makes me so physically exhausted...I wish I could be normal.
September 13, 2014
My ankle stopped hurting sometime this week. I've had my ups and downs, but I've realized no one wants to know about those things. People have their own problems. Why should I burden them with mine?
I'll just keep quiet. I'll be twenty-eight in less than a month. Then this blog will be over.
Everything's just a vicious cycle. I get hyper, I get depressed, I get anxiety, I get angry and irritable, I get depressed. Somewhere in there I pray for help, and my suffocating suffering is subdued. I'm not normal. I never will be, but I know at least a few people love me, craziness and all.
If God puts loved ones, and just people in general, in your life, why keep everything a secret so no one knows what you are going through? I know it is true for you as much as it is true for me that your children were not just meant to be raised by anyone. They were given to you to be a strength to keep you on track and your "behavior" could be one of the most important things they lean to understand and handle, whether it be for themselves or for their future loved ones. P.S. I hurt my ankle yesterday and we all had to stay home today since I am bed ridden. Guess it's just going around :P
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