Schism

Today was fine, but then something embarrassing happened, and I plummeted into the downward spiral of sadness. I haven't hit rock bottom, but I'm just kind of floating in the air, not quite sinking, not quite suffocating. I called my husband at work to try and talk about it, but I couldn't stop crying... I didn't mean for him to come home from work, but now he is, and it's probably better that way.

I am a writer, an artist, a singer, and an all-out craft enthusiast. I've already posted previously that music lends to specific emotional states in which I find myself. But when I write a lot, or really get into my art or music, I tend to separate myself from reality. My thoughts and dreams become reality, and I tend to get into this "zone" where nothing else is real. I can switch out of it immediately to take care of my kids and stuff, but it's more of a foggy in between when I'm on my computer.

I posted a song lyric on fb today and made it custom so only one person could read it. What I didn't realize is that the person would be able to see exactly who was on my custom list... only them. As a result they freaked out and unfriended me. At first it hurt my feelings, but then I realized that I'm completely insane. The fact that I posted something so vulnerable for just one person to read proves that my reality and my illusory world have officially collided. Whereas I thought they would be understanding of my plight they instead took it as some sort of frightening ambush and did what a perfectly balanced individual would do and flee.

This rude awakening has sent my mind into some kind of forced schism between what is real and what my mind has created. I don't know if I can recover from this. I've been feeling less and less "real" over the past few weeks. I used to imagine that I would be happier living in a coma where I could dream whatever I imagined with no need to wake, but teetering on the edge of what is real and what isn't has me realizing that I ought to be terrified. I may "wake" tomorrow finding that I'm normal again, and everything is fine, but today I'm on the precipice of losing my mind. ... And I'm scared.

Wanting to Take the Low Road...

I had a bad day. It's been such a good couple of weeks that this complete meltdown came as a surprise. I didn't want it, but I felt it coming anyway. My kids have been so clingy and my husband so exhausted from work that I felt like the stress was eating away at every fiber of sanity beneath my skin.

I craved retreat. I wanted to grab my headphones and hide in the dark of my room, but at the same time I didn't want to give in to it. I remembered what would happen when I went down that tunnel of despair, and while I yearned for an escape I had enough sense to cling to the fact that I didn't want to fight my way out of the darkness when reality set back in. It took hours last time to be myself again.

So I didn't take my tablet into my room and drown my unreasonable sorrows. My toddler begged to play a game on it, and I realized in a slight breath of clarity that I wouldn't be able to feed my pain if I let her play a game instead, so that's what I did.

I still yearn to give in to my emptiness... And I know that I can probably take care of it if I try to fill the void with uplifting things. .......................................... but do I really want to?

UPDATE: Yes, I want to. Gosh, I wish I could just snap out of it and realize how irrational I'm being at times like that. If only it were that easy. :-/