Schism

Today was fine, but then something embarrassing happened, and I plummeted into the downward spiral of sadness. I haven't hit rock bottom, but I'm just kind of floating in the air, not quite sinking, not quite suffocating. I called my husband at work to try and talk about it, but I couldn't stop crying... I didn't mean for him to come home from work, but now he is, and it's probably better that way.

I am a writer, an artist, a singer, and an all-out craft enthusiast. I've already posted previously that music lends to specific emotional states in which I find myself. But when I write a lot, or really get into my art or music, I tend to separate myself from reality. My thoughts and dreams become reality, and I tend to get into this "zone" where nothing else is real. I can switch out of it immediately to take care of my kids and stuff, but it's more of a foggy in between when I'm on my computer.

I posted a song lyric on fb today and made it custom so only one person could read it. What I didn't realize is that the person would be able to see exactly who was on my custom list... only them. As a result they freaked out and unfriended me. At first it hurt my feelings, but then I realized that I'm completely insane. The fact that I posted something so vulnerable for just one person to read proves that my reality and my illusory world have officially collided. Whereas I thought they would be understanding of my plight they instead took it as some sort of frightening ambush and did what a perfectly balanced individual would do and flee.

This rude awakening has sent my mind into some kind of forced schism between what is real and what my mind has created. I don't know if I can recover from this. I've been feeling less and less "real" over the past few weeks. I used to imagine that I would be happier living in a coma where I could dream whatever I imagined with no need to wake, but teetering on the edge of what is real and what isn't has me realizing that I ought to be terrified. I may "wake" tomorrow finding that I'm normal again, and everything is fine, but today I'm on the precipice of losing my mind. ... And I'm scared.