And I can't stop crying

During my first semester of college I sang a song that touched my heart so much that I immediately bought thirty copies and gave it to my high school choir director as a gift. Hearing that song today, seven and a half year later, filled me with such longing and sorrow that I began to sob uncontrollably.

Weep No More by David Childs

I miss home...

10 Weeks and Crazy

I haven't written it on here yet, though pretty much everyone who knows about my "secret blog" already knows, but I'm pregnant again (Yay!). I'm 10 1/2 weeks along, and things are going well. Translation: I'm extremely sick and can't move around too much without puking.

Sometimes I am so sick that emotional problems become a non-issue, but as my morning sickness begins to ebb during my more lively hours it's like my body wants to dump the emotional stuff on me that I've been missing.

It's difficult to have Bipolar Disorder and Pregnancy hormones all fighting for dominance inside my mind and body.

I can't... get a hold on myself.

I don't know which side of me is in control...

Like Spinning Plates

While you make pretty speeches
I'm being cut to shreds
You feed me to the lions
A delicate balance.

And this just feels like spinning plates
I'm living in cloud cuckoo land
And this just feels like spinning plates
My body's floating down the muddy river.

I was fine earlier.
I WAS FINE EARLIER.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.

Verifiably Insane

I've always heard the phrase "I'm going insane." or "Ugh, this is driving me crazy!" It's amusing to me how American slang or vernacular sometimes has barely anything to do with the word upon which it was originally derived.

Today I pondered on how I have felt like I've been more in touch with the inner workings of my mind. I've been discovering patterns, linking seemingly disconnected things together, and finding logic behind the illogical.

Then it occurred to me... what if those things aren't connected? What if I'm literally losing my mind.

It's an unsettling feeling to think you might be actually slipping away from your grip on reality. I feel like I can't find a solid ground for my thoughts. They're disjointed and moving so rapidly that it's difficult to focus on anything completely.

What if I really am going crazy? Sometimes... it's like I don't even know what's real and what isn't...

Unmistakable

I have friends who insist there is no divine being after death - that we can do whatever we want and it won't matter, because there are no consequences. One of these friends in particular used to be super religious. He even introduced me to Veggietales when we were sixteen.

I don't want to argue or cause a rift, but I absolutely know that there is a divine entity. There's one instance specifically that comes to mind:

When I was a teenager I visited Lake Medina in San Antonio to go cliff jumping with my cousins. There was a drought that summer, and my aunt who owns a lakehouse nearby estimated that the cliff we had chosen to jump from was at least one-hundred and forty feet high at the time.

My cousins were all quite nervous, and even though they were a year older I wanted to prove myself to them, and I opted to go first. I had also opted not to bring my life jacket. After several minutes of wavering my cousin Lindsey shouted, "Just Go!" I jumped impulsively, flying through the air screaming. Unfortunately with my screaming I didn't see how quickly the water was approaching. I only managed a hint of a breath before I plunged straight down into the murky waters.

Several seconds passed. I had no air, and I was still sinking lower. There was a lancing pain in my leg where it had hit the water wrong, but I finally managed to kick my legs, moving frantically upward. I could feel my lungs burning and straining, desperate for oxygen. At last I could tell I was getting closer to the surface as light grew brighter, but, as I reached forward in desperation, the horrific realization that I wasn't moving fast enough sent me into a panic.

Then, as spots were appearing in my eyes and I'd just about given up hope, a hand reached into the water and pulled me up, breaking the surface of the lake. I could breathe... I gasped for air like I had never tasted oxygen, and I could feel the life pouring back into my lungs. The man pulled me to a cove of rocks; he asked if I was all right, and I vaguely nodded. I caught my breath for several seconds. Then when I looked up to thank him... he was gone - nowhere in sight.

My aunts and uncle, who had been watching the cliff jumping from my uncle's boat, all told me that they hadn't seen anyone help me out of the water when I asked where the man was. I looked around wildly at the few other large boats scattered around, and there was no one, absolutely no one nearby who looked like the man I had seen.

I have absolutely no doubt that I was saved by an angel or whatever divine equivalent there is.

I don't know why, but I have been saved from death through divine intervention three distinct times in my memory, probably more. And I know that I was saved for something far greater than to just "be happy" however I want. I wish my friends could see the way I see. I wish they could know how much they are loved by a Divine Creator - who gave them life, love, and the opportunity to experience it to the best of their abilities.

And even though it is my lot in life to suffer a multitude of emotional and psychological agony at times - I know it will make me stronger, and my joy that much greater when I've completed my journey on this earth.