Progesterone again? ...Then a meltdown.

Once again, the evening progressed in such a way that I should now be feeling numb and depressed, but I felt it fade...again. Weird that I could physically feel the symptoms of a depressive episode and was able to feel them dissipate after half and hour or so. Is this the pregnancy? I'll take all of the bodily pain I've been having ANY DAY over a depressive episode that doesn't go away. I don't necessarily feel like myself; I haven't for a while, but it's better than nothing.

It's better than nothing.

Oh, and as for why I would normally be depressed right about now? Oh nothing, just finding out some of my in-laws think I'm cold, aloof, and occasionally hateful toward them when I had no idea that anything was wrong.

My husband, just now, agreed that lately I have been cold and aloof.

...

Maybe I'm not totally over it. I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed that I'm not the happy-go-lucky pregnant lady. Embarrassed that I've had to deal with a difficult past several months, 2 miscarriages, chronic fatigue, depressive episodes, bipolar disorder.

Embarrassed that I'm not bold enough to reveal to my friends or even all of my family that I am a screwed up person - isolated from a series of unfortunate events that have left me feeling like an emotional recluse.

Useless from a pregnancy that has emptied my mind of creativity, so clumsy that I drop things and trip constantly, and in so much pain that I can't even help take care of my house.

I don't know why I can't just be normal.

Oh, and here's a picture of an embarrassing, useless, screwed-up person that I drew during a minor depressive episode 6 months ago:

...I can't stand myself.

3 weeks 'til due

It's a tribute to my progesterone levels that I haven't gotten depressed the past couple of months. I start to, but then it just kind of dissolves. I'm due to have this baby in three weeks, so hopefully everything will go smoothly, and hopefully I'll get enough sleep.

I'm just so tired and sore and full of aches and pains that I don't know how I'm going to get anything done until then, and I desperately need to get a hospital to-go bag ready.

Just pain and blah...............