It's better than nothing.
Oh, and as for why I would normally be depressed right about now? Oh nothing, just finding out some of my in-laws think I'm cold, aloof, and occasionally hateful toward them when I had no idea that anything was wrong.
My husband, just now, agreed that lately I have been cold and aloof.
...
Maybe I'm not totally over it. I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed that I'm not the happy-go-lucky pregnant lady. Embarrassed that I've had to deal with a difficult past several months, 2 miscarriages, chronic fatigue, depressive episodes, bipolar disorder.
Embarrassed that I'm not bold enough to reveal to my friends or even all of my family that I am a screwed up person - isolated from a series of unfortunate events that have left me feeling like an emotional recluse.
Useless from a pregnancy that has emptied my mind of creativity, so clumsy that I drop things and trip constantly, and in so much pain that I can't even help take care of my house.
I don't know why I can't just be normal.
Oh, and here's a picture of an embarrassing, useless, screwed-up person that I drew during a minor depressive episode 6 months ago:
That's some bedhead. lol That is why I still can't forgive Dave's friend that was rude to me. When all along I thought I was being nice and polite, he thought I was rude and who knows what else. I felt stupid that for so long someone who I was being nice to secretly hated me. I felt foolish and I was embarrassed. I don't understand why people aren't just honest with how they feel about me. If they hate me, at least act like it or ignore me... Oh, and I trip too. I tripped over my skirt today. lol
ReplyDeleteYou are more normal than you think. The more I get to know people more closely, the more I realize they all have their weaknesses and episodes too. And even if you aren't as "normal" as you desire to be, who cares? This is how God made you. It may be difficult at times, but be who you are and flourish at it. Nobody's perfect. I think the more people stop trying to focus on their perceived failures and focus on their strengths, the happier they are. You got to shrug it off. Yeah you didn't get the house clean, but your kids are happy and fed... even if it's only cheerios. Yes, you may not be the mother you want to be (who is?), but you're still a good one and teaching them truth and teaching them to enunciate. ;) Be who you are today, and don't worry about the rest.
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