28!

In case you wondering...

I made it! I came. I saw. I conquered!

Afterthoughts:

I've debated with myself for sometime whether or not to share this blog publicly with my friends and extended family, especially with my in-laws who have given be cause both to love and cherish them and (on the flipside) to be wary of their gossip and judgmental tendencies.

Ultimately I have decided not to share it. Even some the select few people I have already told about this blog have shown that they can be closed-minded in painfully and surprisingly hypocritical ways. As I have no desire to subject myself to unnecessary anguish, I will steel the urge to share my triumph and settle for the selfish preservation of my social dignity...if I even have that.

For now I can only hope that people who could benefit from my experiences will find this blog by chance and that it will help them, somehow.


If I ever have another Major Depressive Episode I'll document it here. Until then, adieu.

-Cheryl a.k.a. Viola 

Well, what do you know...

In less than a week I'll be able to say I've broken the cycle.

Was it coincidence? Was it pregnancy and breastfeeding? Self awareness for my condition? Eating 3 eggs a day and cutting out dairy??

I don't care how it happened. It was a miracle, and grateful for it. If I never had another major depressive episode it would be too soon, and the fact that I have now gone almost 6 years without one is absolute proof of God's mercy.

I don't ever want to really be normal, per se...I love the insights that often come with bearing all of these oddities and quirks in my personality. But I do want to feel happy. I want to breathe in the air and taste the wonder of the earth, feel the rain on my face and sense the sun pushing against the clouds.

I've conquered 27. The rest of my life awaits.

Becoming Aware

There is at least one good thing that came from this blog.

Self-awareness.

I recognize the signs of my depressive episodes like the back of my hand. Yes, they still happen, but at least I know it'll end.

One post to type them all

August 22, 2014
I was so exuberantly hyper the whole morning. It feels like so long ago now. I had a mental breakdown tonight. I threw things and yelled at my husband. I told my oldest daughter I didn't want to be a parent. I told her I was tired of trying so hard for so long. I went out on the deck and stood on the porch in the middle of a heavy rainstorm. It was like ice. I stayed there for several minutes. Rain and icy wind and incoherent streams of crazed thought. My husband didn't know I was on the porch and locked the door. I thought about knocking. Instead I just curled up on the wooden slats until I couldn't feel my toes. He saw me and let me in. I curled up on the mat next to the door and cried. My oldest daughter came down the stairs, also crying. I told her I wasn't myself and that she should leave me alone so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. She cried harder. She tried to hug me, but I was soaking wet. The rest of the evening is a blur, but I got her back upstairs to bed and said some apologetic excuses to my husband that I can't remember. Later I tried to go down the stairs and slipped down several steps. It's probably not broken, but there'll be no escaping now...........

August 23, 2014
It hurts to walk. I'm being mean to everyone but can't seem to help it. Can't I just tell my husband I love him? I can't get out more than a few words at a time before my brain seems to short circuit. I tried. I couldn't talk. My ankle hurts a lot. A bad sprain I guess. There is a weight on everything I try to do. When I try to do normal things my hands start shaking, and I start twitching. I don't remember what I'm trying to say. I can't, can't can't think anymore...

August 24, 2014
I'm ashamed and embarrassed at my behavior the past couple of days, but I don't remember what really happened. I'm pretty sure it started with anxiety fed by frustration that catalyzed a manic frenzy (hence the throwing things). The end of a really bad manic episode for me tends to immediately fishtail into an uncontrollable depressive episode. Fortunately it seems to be in submission for now. I cleaned a bit and talked with my husband a lot last night, and that helped immensely.

It's curious how emotional distress of that magnitude makes me so physically exhausted...I wish I could be normal.

September 13, 2014
My ankle stopped hurting sometime this week. I've had my ups and downs, but I've realized no one wants to know about those things. People have their own problems. Why should I burden them with mine?

I'll just keep quiet. I'll be twenty-eight in less than a month. Then this blog will be over.

Everything's just a vicious cycle. I get hyper, I get depressed, I get anxiety, I get angry and irritable, I get depressed. Somewhere in there I pray for help, and my suffocating suffering is subdued. I'm not normal. I never will be, but I know at least a few people love me, craziness and all.

Light at the end

I think I might actually make it through this entire year without a Major Depressive Episode!

Yay!

When feedings don't go well, and I get no sleep.

When I'm sleep deprived I kind of become insane.

But the day my grandfather dies I miraculous keep it together (mostly).

Further evidence that someone in Heaven cares about the well-being of my family.

But Now I'm Down It

Kinda like a cloud I was up way up in the sky.

And I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe.

Sometimes I don't believe them myself and I decided I was never coming down...

I was up above it.

I was up above it.

I was up above it.

I was up above it.

Now I'm down in it

I used to be so big and strong.

I used to know my right from wrong.

I used to never be afraid.

I used to be somebody.

I used to have something inside.

Now just this hole it's open wide.

I used to want it all.

I used to be somebody.

I'll cross my heart and hope to die.

But the needle's already in my eye.

And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why.

And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory.

I looked him right in the eye and said "goodbye."