When feedings don't go well, and I get no sleep.

When I'm sleep deprived I kind of become insane.

But the day my grandfather dies I miraculous keep it together (mostly).

Further evidence that someone in Heaven cares about the well-being of my family.

But Now I'm Down It

Kinda like a cloud I was up way up in the sky.

And I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe.

Sometimes I don't believe them myself and I decided I was never coming down...

I was up above it.

I was up above it.

I was up above it.

I was up above it.

Now I'm down in it

I used to be so big and strong.

I used to know my right from wrong.

I used to never be afraid.

I used to be somebody.

I used to have something inside.

Now just this hole it's open wide.

I used to want it all.

I used to be somebody.

I'll cross my heart and hope to die.

But the needle's already in my eye.

And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why.

And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory.

I looked him right in the eye and said "goodbye."

Keep Busy or else...

Things are going better. Had some talks with my hubby. That's going better. Well, then he bought me Minecraft, and I became obsessed with it... Nothing else new to report. Being busy. I suppose my taste in music is more pensive than usual, but that's just about it. Just keeping busy. Just keep busy. Keep busy.

No, really.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.
Today was...okay to decent.

Funny how a simple text from my husband (who has been at a coworker's house for 5+ hours playing Star Craft) saying he honestly doesn't know when he'll be home can ruin it all...

Oh, I just have an almost 3 month old baby.
Oh, and she still doesn't sleep through the night.
Oh, I still don't have any friends here.
Nope, no car to visit my sister.
I'm too boring for him to pick hanging out at home with me over hanging out with his friends. And I know it's the truth. I'm utterly boring and isolated. People have been nicer to me here than anywhere I've ever lived, but I still feel standoffish and awkward around everyone.

We used to be best friends, but clearly I'm just the mother of his children now.

Well, guess what, world? This is just about the time my loneliness "breaks". If I seem detached in the upcoming days/weeks/(months?) it will assuredly be because I'm finding solace in fantasy land.

Me. In bed all day. Listening to music with headphones. Escaping into a trance. Daydreaming so fervently that eventually it feels like the reality, and everything else feels like a haze.

I know I can't sink that deeply -- because of the kids, but still... I need to escape this world of embittered solitude somehow............

For if you go

Just because I'm not depressed doesn't mean I'm not miserable.

I feel unappreciated and unloved.

Manic has its Upsides

So, for the past five days I've had way more energy, no depressed feelings, and I've been able to clean for hours without getting tired. Coupled with a few days of PMS, all I've really had to deal with is a couple stretches of intense irritability and shedding hair (Maybe TMI, but whatever...). I suppose I did almost get in a car accident due to the idiot driver who tried (unsuccessfully) to do a u-turn in front of oncoming traffic and then proceeded to cut me off, but that's the only really impulsive thing I've done. I cuddled with my hubby...and I liked it! And I want to do it again!

Yep, in a battle of libido-crushing breastfeeding vs. manic/hyper-lust it seems to be a pretty even battle. Too bad my period freaking started! TMI I know, but this is my blog, and I'm not sorry!

We Must Push On

So I had the baby at the end of January. She's adorable and looks a great deal like her siblings. For the first two weeks proceeding her birth I felt fantastic. Then sleep deprivation caught up with me and I had three psychotic days where I might as well have been hitting my head against a wall repeatedly. Then I took lots of naps and things got a bit better.

The only time I actually felt like I was getting truly depressed during those past few weeks was three days a little over a week ago while my parents were in town visiting. I don't know if it was stress, sleep deprivation, just hormones, or a combination of those (and possibly other) factors.

Then my parents left AND my husband went out of town for 4 days for a work conference. I thought it was going to be horrible, and I would die or implode or go insane, but none of those things happened. My oldest was on time to school every day, we were eating relatively healthy meals, and I felt - for the first time in my life - that if worse came to worst that I'd actually probably be able to handle being a single mom and not completely suck at it.

Things haven't been all daisies and roses though. It's most likely the sleep deprivation, but I'm having a lot of trouble accessing my romantic side. I feel so deadened in that area that I'm afraid to even cuddle with my husband for fear that he might want to do more as a result. He's mentioned this before during a few rough patches, and I recalled again today, that during times like these it's not like we're married so much as roommates who happen to share a bed...

And today I felt depressed. Badly. I even considered writing a letter to my husband explaining that I would understand if he wanted to leave me. I feel guilty for being tired, for feeling so little outward affection, for not being the fun and quirky person I know is in there somewhere. I know I shouldn't punish myself, but I want to get out of this rut. I want to be me again.