Schism

Today was fine, but then something embarrassing happened, and I plummeted into the downward spiral of sadness. I haven't hit rock bottom, but I'm just kind of floating in the air, not quite sinking, not quite suffocating. I called my husband at work to try and talk about it, but I couldn't stop crying... I didn't mean for him to come home from work, but now he is, and it's probably better that way.

I am a writer, an artist, a singer, and an all-out craft enthusiast. I've already posted previously that music lends to specific emotional states in which I find myself. But when I write a lot, or really get into my art or music, I tend to separate myself from reality. My thoughts and dreams become reality, and I tend to get into this "zone" where nothing else is real. I can switch out of it immediately to take care of my kids and stuff, but it's more of a foggy in between when I'm on my computer.

I posted a song lyric on fb today and made it custom so only one person could read it. What I didn't realize is that the person would be able to see exactly who was on my custom list... only them. As a result they freaked out and unfriended me. At first it hurt my feelings, but then I realized that I'm completely insane. The fact that I posted something so vulnerable for just one person to read proves that my reality and my illusory world have officially collided. Whereas I thought they would be understanding of my plight they instead took it as some sort of frightening ambush and did what a perfectly balanced individual would do and flee.

This rude awakening has sent my mind into some kind of forced schism between what is real and what my mind has created. I don't know if I can recover from this. I've been feeling less and less "real" over the past few weeks. I used to imagine that I would be happier living in a coma where I could dream whatever I imagined with no need to wake, but teetering on the edge of what is real and what isn't has me realizing that I ought to be terrified. I may "wake" tomorrow finding that I'm normal again, and everything is fine, but today I'm on the precipice of losing my mind. ... And I'm scared.

Wanting to Take the Low Road...

I had a bad day. It's been such a good couple of weeks that this complete meltdown came as a surprise. I didn't want it, but I felt it coming anyway. My kids have been so clingy and my husband so exhausted from work that I felt like the stress was eating away at every fiber of sanity beneath my skin.

I craved retreat. I wanted to grab my headphones and hide in the dark of my room, but at the same time I didn't want to give in to it. I remembered what would happen when I went down that tunnel of despair, and while I yearned for an escape I had enough sense to cling to the fact that I didn't want to fight my way out of the darkness when reality set back in. It took hours last time to be myself again.

So I didn't take my tablet into my room and drown my unreasonable sorrows. My toddler begged to play a game on it, and I realized in a slight breath of clarity that I wouldn't be able to feed my pain if I let her play a game instead, so that's what I did.

I still yearn to give in to my emptiness... And I know that I can probably take care of it if I try to fill the void with uplifting things. .......................................... but do I really want to?

UPDATE: Yes, I want to. Gosh, I wish I could just snap out of it and realize how irrational I'm being at times like that. If only it were that easy. :-/

Grood

I can't leave out the days when I'm feeling good. I'm very tired... but I'm always tired. And yet, today I feel really happy and content. Nothing's really going on, I'm just... happy. Grood, Great and Good.

Resurfacing

I had an extremely bad morning, obviously per my previous post. I was so psychotic that I ended up making my husband come home from work to help me calm down. For the first time since my fatigue problems really started last August I was honestly grateful to feel "too tired". It was bad, but it would have been much worse if I'd had any energy. I feel subdued and tired now, and also weak... like my body's just gone through a traumatic experience. And it makes me scared. For all my planning on how to take care of problems like these... I felt completely stuck. I couldn't get out from beneath the crazy, depressed feelings. Sometimes I truly feel like my husband is my anchor. It took about 2 hours, but he stayed by my side and helped me resurface from the screaming in my mind and the emotional pain. Now I'm sitting in bed taking it easy and listening to a carefully selected playlist of calm, uplifting music.

For the first time ever I recognize that my fatigue might have been an immense blessing in disguise this whole time.

Bad, Bad, Bad

Bad day, Bad Day, bad day, bad day, bad day...

It's like I have this twitching itch under my skin, but it's not really there, and I'm sad, and I'm crazy, and unggggggh...!%*#$@(%

Anxiety

I was going to illustrate this post. It was going to be grand and humorous, but I've been so fatigued that I can't find the will. Long story short... I've been having chest pain. It got so bad that I thought I was having a heart attack one day. I got put on anxiety medicine and anti-seizure medication. I also got diagnosed with Acid-Reflux. I was told that taking my acid reflux medicine at least 30 minutes before breakfast and dinner on an empty stomach would help with the heartburn, the nausea, and supplement the anxiety medicine for my chest pain. I've been taking it for about 2 weeks.

But 3 days ago I had the most insane pain just above where my stomach is, in between the ribs where they taper out. I'm not very good with anatomy, but I thought I must have ulcers. The pain lasted 2 solid days and got much worse after I ate and when I first woke up in the morning. At any rate I've stopped taking the acid reflux medicine. It didn't seem to be doing me any good. If anything things seemed to be getting worse. My husband's worried, because I haven't been eating very much. The discomfort in my upper abdominals and the nausea saps my appetite any time I think I might be hungry... and when I do eat I get heartburn.

I always have fatigue, and it's been much worse since last August. Today I feel like I can hardly even move.

The fun part of the post was going to illustrate how I felt during my anxiety attack from a week and a half ago... but I'm too tired. I'm so tired.

The awkward adjustment to warm weather

So I've been really happy and upbeat lately. Not much to write about in terms of noteworthy emotional changes, but the past few days I've been so tired it's ridiculous. It must be all the warm weather. Bleh. And since we're trying to save money we have the thermostat set to 78 degrees. Nights are the worst! I'll toss and turn until I violently throw the blanket at the wall because it's touching my foot.

11:00 p.m.

 12:15 a.m.

 1:30 a.m.

After hours of some sleeping and mostly plotting the destruction of all blankets I'll finally sneak off to the bathroom, and on the way back I'll set the air conditioner to 74 degrees.

3:15 a.m.

Ah. Sweet Bliss.