e-Façades

It is so easy for a person to hide what they're feeling on social networking sites. No one wants to read a post on how someone else actually feels.

Too reflective? Booooring.
Too sad? Wow, that girl is whiny.
Too angry? Dang. That guy has some serious aggression issues.

So, pretty much everything I post is some safe thought lingering around the surface. Only when I'm in absolute despair or some other extremely heightened emotion do the less acceptable comments slip out. I'm doing a lot better with this miscarriage than I did with the last one. I've only cried six times or so. Still don't know what I'm supposed to learn from all this... but I'll figure it out. I always do.

Miscarriage

March of last year I miscarried at six and a half weeks. I guess I should be happy I made to seven weeks this time... The hormones of being pregnant, even for a brief period of time, make this miscarriage much more difficult than it should be. I already have to endure the physical pain of expelling copious amounts of blood and shredded bits of embryo. Forgive me for feeling a bit despairing... It's been a difficult few weeks that I would never wish on anyone else. I've just got to get through the pain and learn from this somehow...

What a month it's been

This has been a trying month.

The first week I was a wreck hidden beneath a shell of indifference... my emotions going back an forth like a slingshot on the inside, but aloof and disconnected on the outside. The biggest clue that something was wrong was that I couldn't cry. I always cry.

Then I got sick for two weeks. Then the week after that I felt completely dead and emotionless - like the coldness on the outside seeped its way to the inside. I offered a last-ditch plea to God, telling him that I could hardly remember what love or happiness felt like, but that I knew somewhere inside that I didn't want to lose that goodness. I begged for help and felt like I should listen to some music. I listened to a couple uplifting songs, but when "He Hears Me" by Hilary Weeks came on the words seemed to pierce my soul, and I began to cry for the first time in weeks.

While this experience was excruciating for me it was equally taxing on my husband. I'm so grateful he stayed by my side. He's like a lifeline for me during these tough times, and I'm so euphorically happy that I can feel the love I have for him and my children again.

Precordial Catch Syndrome

This isn't really related to emotional problems, but I feel I should document this. When I was a child I suffered for years from this. Then it went away some time around 2001 throughout highschool and post-highschool life. It wasn't until 2008 that it resurged, but that didn't last long. Now I've been suffering from it every day this week, and I hope it goes away soon.

PCS manifests itself as a very intense, sharp pain, typically at the left side of the chest, generally in the cartilage between the bones of the sternum and rib cage, which is worse when taking breaths...  On rare occasions, breathing in or out suddenly will cause a small popping or cracking sensation in the chest, which results in the pain going away. In most cases the pain is resolved quickly and completely, and medication is not needed for the pain to subside. There is no known treatment or cure for PCS. 

Yep. I was told in 2008 that this was most likely what I had, but there was nothing that could be done about it. Every time that I know of however, I've been able to take a quick deep through the brilliant, searing pain, and it will literally feel like a bursting bubble on the left side of my chest. It hurts like there's no tomorrow, but then the pain is gone... at least it is for now...

There and Back again... a tale of Anxiety

Things have been going pretty well since my last depressive episode. The only real issues I've been having are with anxiety, stress, and fatigue. I just keep going one day at a time, hoping things will continue to improve. I'm grateful that it's anxiety and not despair. I'll take panic attacks over bouts of crazed anguish any day... Perhaps I'll elaborate another day. Too tired tonight.

Mania, Worthlessness, and everything in between.

I faked my life like I've lived too much.

Where Am I?

My husband is my best friend. If something were to happen to him I think my mind would break. In all seriousness I do not think I'd be able to care for my children if he were gone. So why do I get so depressed and start thinking that I want to leave my family? I'm pretty sure I would lose the will to live at all if I left them. My mind is not in a good place...

I didn't feel like drawing my usual little person. In fact I haven't drawn her in a while... so this is the best you're getting. Interpret however you want -- I'm feeling a bit destructive.