At the End of All Things

I'll make it through, right? I can't seem to survive with medicine, but I can't seem to survive without it.

This was probably the 4th or 5th worst year of my life.

And I must be the worst wife and mother on the entire planet...

I am Barely Breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care...

Merry Freaking Christmas.

Done with Depakote...

Well... the tiredness got to be too debilitating, the nausea and many other adverse reactions piled up, and then we got our medical bills... and I can't do it. I can't justify my life passing me by with the physical misery and lethargy and barely being able to keep my eyelids open. I'll... find another way. Somehow.

Going Fine

Everything's been going okay lately. A little depressed, extremely tired, but if that's all I have to suffer then I'm grateful. I was actually flirty with my husband while cooking dinner last night instead of being a deadened, lethargic glob of emotional wreck. I'm smiling a bit more. This... could be good.

Someone's Waiting For You

This song came into my head out of nowhere, and I can't shake it. It was one of my favorite Disney songs as a kid, and it's still one of my favorites today. It makes me feel a little more hopeful.



Be brave, little one
Make a wish for each sad little tear
Hold your head up though no one is near
Someone’s waiting for you

Don’t cry, little one
There’ll be a smile where a frown used to be
You’ll be part of the love that you see
Someone’s waiting for you

Always keep a little prayer in your pocket
And you’re sure to see the light
Soon there’ll be joy and happiness
And your little world will be bright

Have faith, little one
Till your hopes and your wishes come true
You must try to be brave, little one
Someone’s waiting to love you

Letter to God

Dear God,

You remember me, don't you? I'm the girl who used to spend an hour sitting in the clover patch looking for that one four-leaf-clover. The girl who used to chase the boys around the playground, then tackle and kiss them. Well, I'm having some problems, Lord.

You see, my body isn't working right anymore. I've been trying to be normal and happy, but my brain just won't let me, and the truth is... I'm too tired to keep it up. I've tried so hard for so long to keep inching ahead, to be at the same level as my friends and family, but I keep getting pushed back to the starting line. And now, with this tidal wave of psychiatric problems, I don't even know even know where the starting line is anymore.

I've almost always tried to do the right thing. I've tried to be kind to others, and I always tried to make amends when I had hurt people's feelings. I've tried to be a good wife and mother. But all the while I'm being bombarded and plagued with physical ailments that prevent me from living a happy, healthy, normal life.

I kept hoping every time I tried a new medication, or started an exercise routine, or went on a family trip, or started spending more time outdoors that I'd finally turned a new leaf, that things were starting to get better.

But I'm all out of hope. I'm clinging for dear life to my last shreds of faith and feel utterly lost.

I'm lost, Lord. Please help me, or I'll never find my way home.

Cheryl

What to Do With My Anger

I'm awake with anger, but at least I'm awake. It's a frightening and empowering feeling to feel awake from something you've always tried to suppress. But the sudden rage from all that's happening to me has filled me with fire. I'm so angry. So angry and ready for change. So furious about the the lingering, festering emotions and plaguing physical weaknesses. So frustrated that I of all people ended up having bipolar disorder. These waves of mania and utter despair ruined so much of my life. And this unquenchable thirst for retribution for the days I lost are inflaming every strain of thought penetrating my mind.

I'M SO ANGRY.

Transitions

Maybe it's just the transition between switching medicines. Perhaps it's that I've gotten so little sleep the past several days. Or maybe it's that depakote doesn't actually treat the depressive side of bipolar disorder. It's probably a mix between all three.

But I feel alone in this world. My husband helps me stay afloat, and God seems to rescue me when I'm at my breaking point, but it's the same circle of emotions over and over again. And I'm so tired. So tired of fighting for the energy and happiness that others seem to find so easily. So tired of blending into the pavement.

Medical problems, mental disorders, physical trials, financial stress. I'm dying with the music still inside me. Will I never have a chance to sing my song?