Capacity of the Mind

I've accepted the fact that my pains are caused by stressors from the trauma of my miscarriage. I have to admit though - I'm complete in awe of the capacity my mind possessed to cause myself such excruciating physical agony. I've been rereading Harry Potter, so I'll just chalk it up to wandless magic...

Hufflepuff and proud of it!

Yeah... I'm sure it's something like that... Although, considering the pain I was able to cause myself maybe I should have made myself a Slytherin, haha.

It's All In Your Head

Psychosomatic. It's like... the physical equivalent of Schizophrenic... Instead of seeing things that aren't real you're feeling pains that aren't there. It's when trauma and/or distress in your mind causes physical pain in your body, but no matter how many tests you have there won't be anything to find. Nothing's really wrong. It's all in your head.

It's probably the reason I've been in such freaking pain lately.



...Sometimes I really hate my body.

Perfect, Fine, and Great...

The nurse called me back to tell me that my ultrasound was normal and my uterus looked great. Fantastic. Great. Perfect. Meanwhile I'm having an freak-load of pain with no logical explanation. I can't spend time with my kids without crying out in pain every few minutes that I'm standing. I HATE DOCTORS. I am so unbelievably furious with their utter lack of concern. I asked her why I'm in such pain if there's nothing wrong, and she told me to call my primary care doctor or find a gastro-enterologist... Of course... I knew this would happen too. Screw doctors. This is the last time I take anyone's freaking advice to go see one. I just hurt so much, and I'm so angry, and I don't know what to do with myself, because I'm in such pain.

Pelvic Ultrasound

I went in for an ultrasound today and was told to drink 32 oz of water an hour before my appointment. Let me tell you - I had to pee like a race horse by the time I got in there. The nurse told me that a full bladder helps push the uterus forward so they can get a better look. Yeah, well, it still wasn't a good enough look for a regular ultrasound, so I had to have a trans-vaginal one... I would hate to have that job. lol

So the lady's looking at my uterus and can't get the right angle because my uterus is tilted apparently... this day just keeps getting better and better. Finally she looks at my ovaries. My right one looked like some kind of awesome monochrome avocado:

That white line underneath was from when they measured the sound inside it I guess? It was a fuzzy, flat sound, and the lady didn't seem too concerned.

Then for the left ovary....

It's like... the ghost of ovaries past... lol. Well, obviously it looks different, and it looked bigger from what I could tell. After measuring the size (which I didn't think to write down) the lady listened to the sound inside of it and got very clear reverb. It had a pretty steady beat and reminded me of the pulse of a heart. But what concerned me most was the nurse's reaction. She sighed, and it sounded like a worried sigh.

She quickly took some pictures of something called an adnex (I'm not really sure) on both sides and told me that a radiologist would study the data, call my doctor, and I would know their consensus by Wednesday at the latest.

Meanwhile, I'm in pain, hoping the kids will survive my lack of proactive parenting, and wondering what the heck "internal echoes" are...

Oy vey, Ovaries...

Almost every day of the last 3 weeks of the pregnancy I was cramping. I miscarried and fully expected the pain to subside with the bleeding, but it didn't. In fact it's gotten worse. Every day I am assuaged with sharp stabbing cramps at some point in the day around both of my ovaries... lovely...

After my father scolded me for not going to the doctor I went to the hospital on Monday, April 15th. My hcg level was still at 10 - quite low, but not at 0 where it should have been already. I went to an ob/gyn on Friday the 19th to have a pelvic exam, and now I have to go to the radiology center in the hospital to have a pelvic ultrasound on Monday the 22nd.

It's probably just some cysts, but I come from a family of sisters that tend to imagine worst case scenarios in prolific and elaborate ways. I couldn't sleep a couple of nights ago, so I began to look up ovarian pain, etc, and by 3 in the morning I was positive I had ovarian cancer. Ha. It would truly take a miracle for me to get over something like that, so I'm just going to keep hoping that it's a couple of cysts that got twisted or ruptured instead.

Still, if it is the worst case scenario I would like to document noteworthy physical changes to my body in the last several months.

The faint of heart and the faint of butt should stop reading here:

(That's a joke from homestarrunner.com)

August - September 2012 - Lost 15 pounds for seemingly no reason
October - November 2012 - Lost 5 more pounds for no reason
January - March 2013 - Significant changes in bowel habits.
February 16th 2013 - Period is 6 days early
February - April 2013 - Gained 7 pounds
March 18th - April 4th, 2013 - Pregnant and cramping, only a little nauseous
April 4th - April 11th 2013- Miscarriage, Sharp Pain, Cramping, Blood Clots Galore
April 2013 - present - Fatigue stacked on top of my normal fatigue, hard to stay awake at nights, brain fog, Nauseous for no reason on and off throughout the day
April 12th - present- Progressively more and more cramping and sharp pains on both sides of my Uterus, occasional lower back pain, stomach (which had flattened out a bit after miscarrying) is bloated all the time
April 15th - present- Not hungry, I feel stuffed after eating a few bites, so tired I can hardly stay awake day or night.

It's probably just cysts, but I want to have all this written down in case it's not...

e-Façades

It is so easy for a person to hide what they're feeling on social networking sites. No one wants to read a post on how someone else actually feels.

Too reflective? Booooring.
Too sad? Wow, that girl is whiny.
Too angry? Dang. That guy has some serious aggression issues.

So, pretty much everything I post is some safe thought lingering around the surface. Only when I'm in absolute despair or some other extremely heightened emotion do the less acceptable comments slip out. I'm doing a lot better with this miscarriage than I did with the last one. I've only cried six times or so. Still don't know what I'm supposed to learn from all this... but I'll figure it out. I always do.

Miscarriage

March of last year I miscarried at six and a half weeks. I guess I should be happy I made to seven weeks this time... The hormones of being pregnant, even for a brief period of time, make this miscarriage much more difficult than it should be. I already have to endure the physical pain of expelling copious amounts of blood and shredded bits of embryo. Forgive me for feeling a bit despairing... It's been a difficult few weeks that I would never wish on anyone else. I've just got to get through the pain and learn from this somehow...