Manic has its Upsides

So, for the past five days I've had way more energy, no depressed feelings, and I've been able to clean for hours without getting tired. Coupled with a few days of PMS, all I've really had to deal with is a couple stretches of intense irritability and shedding hair (Maybe TMI, but whatever...). I suppose I did almost get in a car accident due to the idiot driver who tried (unsuccessfully) to do a u-turn in front of oncoming traffic and then proceeded to cut me off, but that's the only really impulsive thing I've done. I cuddled with my hubby...and I liked it! And I want to do it again!

Yep, in a battle of libido-crushing breastfeeding vs. manic/hyper-lust it seems to be a pretty even battle. Too bad my period freaking started! TMI I know, but this is my blog, and I'm not sorry!

We Must Push On

So I had the baby at the end of January. She's adorable and looks a great deal like her siblings. For the first two weeks proceeding her birth I felt fantastic. Then sleep deprivation caught up with me and I had three psychotic days where I might as well have been hitting my head against a wall repeatedly. Then I took lots of naps and things got a bit better.

The only time I actually felt like I was getting truly depressed during those past few weeks was three days a little over a week ago while my parents were in town visiting. I don't know if it was stress, sleep deprivation, just hormones, or a combination of those (and possibly other) factors.

Then my parents left AND my husband went out of town for 4 days for a work conference. I thought it was going to be horrible, and I would die or implode or go insane, but none of those things happened. My oldest was on time to school every day, we were eating relatively healthy meals, and I felt - for the first time in my life - that if worse came to worst that I'd actually probably be able to handle being a single mom and not completely suck at it.

Things haven't been all daisies and roses though. It's most likely the sleep deprivation, but I'm having a lot of trouble accessing my romantic side. I feel so deadened in that area that I'm afraid to even cuddle with my husband for fear that he might want to do more as a result. He's mentioned this before during a few rough patches, and I recalled again today, that during times like these it's not like we're married so much as roommates who happen to share a bed...

And today I felt depressed. Badly. I even considered writing a letter to my husband explaining that I would understand if he wanted to leave me. I feel guilty for being tired, for feeling so little outward affection, for not being the fun and quirky person I know is in there somewhere. I know I shouldn't punish myself, but I want to get out of this rut. I want to be me again.

Progesterone again? ...Then a meltdown.

Once again, the evening progressed in such a way that I should now be feeling numb and depressed, but I felt it fade...again. Weird that I could physically feel the symptoms of a depressive episode and was able to feel them dissipate after half and hour or so. Is this the pregnancy? I'll take all of the bodily pain I've been having ANY DAY over a depressive episode that doesn't go away. I don't necessarily feel like myself; I haven't for a while, but it's better than nothing.

It's better than nothing.

Oh, and as for why I would normally be depressed right about now? Oh nothing, just finding out some of my in-laws think I'm cold, aloof, and occasionally hateful toward them when I had no idea that anything was wrong.

My husband, just now, agreed that lately I have been cold and aloof.

...

Maybe I'm not totally over it. I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed that I'm not the happy-go-lucky pregnant lady. Embarrassed that I've had to deal with a difficult past several months, 2 miscarriages, chronic fatigue, depressive episodes, bipolar disorder.

Embarrassed that I'm not bold enough to reveal to my friends or even all of my family that I am a screwed up person - isolated from a series of unfortunate events that have left me feeling like an emotional recluse.

Useless from a pregnancy that has emptied my mind of creativity, so clumsy that I drop things and trip constantly, and in so much pain that I can't even help take care of my house.

I don't know why I can't just be normal.

Oh, and here's a picture of an embarrassing, useless, screwed-up person that I drew during a minor depressive episode 6 months ago:

...I can't stand myself.

3 weeks 'til due

It's a tribute to my progesterone levels that I haven't gotten depressed the past couple of months. I start to, but then it just kind of dissolves. I'm due to have this baby in three weeks, so hopefully everything will go smoothly, and hopefully I'll get enough sleep.

I'm just so tired and sore and full of aches and pains that I don't know how I'm going to get anything done until then, and I desperately need to get a hospital to-go bag ready.

Just pain and blah...............

Pregnancy is annoying and difficult

Having a week or two of feeling depressed for no good reason during pregnancy is not fun. It's only happened 3 or so times in the last 5 months, but still. And what's with my trouble breathing every time I lay down? or the feeling like my leg is dislocated from my hips every time I get out of bed?

The worst part of all this is the crying though. I thought I cried a lot before but Heaven Sakes Alive I don't seem to ever stop crying these days. Yesterday I tried eating a Reese's peanut butter cup and bit into it with the paper wrapper still on - and I cried like crazy. One of the many examples of my numerous outbursts of tears over the past several weeks. It's awful.

I wonder if people think 'I wish she would stop being so blubbery and just stop crying." There was even a moment yesterday that I was bawling in the car, looking out the window thinking (pretty objectively, mind you), "This is so pathetic. Here I am, typical hormonal pregnant lady, sobbing like a baby. I don't even need to be crying, but I just keep crying, crying, crying... Pathetic. I hope the kids aren't scarred by this..." wailing like an idiot all the while.

And when I'm not crying I'm extremely tired. Those are the breaks.. *rolls eyes* The baby's healthy though, so that's good.

It's 27 Time

I had an easygoing, relaxing birthday. The weather's been getting cold, and the reminiscent smell of autumn makes me feel whiffs of morning sickness every so often. lol.

I've also been extraordinarily tired, especially at night. I'm guessing it's a pregnancy phase, but I've been feeling dead tired between 9:30-10:00 every night. I asked my ob/gyn about it, and she said, "Well, you know, you are getting older..."

... I was not amused...

lol

But it's been good. I feel mentally subdued, and it's occasionally frustrating, but I'll take brain fog and extreme fatigue over the other stuff.

I mean, I would like to get the house clean, and I'd love to start writing again, but as of right now I'm just too tired and too brain dead, and I'm just taking everything one day at a time.

Well, Happy Birthday to me. woo. I'm trying to strengthen myself spiritually and emotionally and physically for when the tides roll in. But I feel pretty good inside at the moment, and I'm holding on to it.

The Time Is Drawing Near

I haven't felt particularly happy or especially depressed lately. My morning sickness has mostly ebbed. I'm still quite dizzy at times, but it's getting better, and I'm getting stronger. School for my five-year-old has kept me busy, and I haven't been able to dwell much on anything due to a severe case of brain fog. I turn twenty-seven in a month, so I'm just wondering what's going to happen. Like I'm sitting on the edge of an empty pool, wondering if it will be a little tub of water or a tumultuous ocean when it finally fills.

My mind is buzzing and suppressed with fatigue simultaneously. I mean, this is the first time I've tracked a Major Depressive Episode before it's occurred. Maybe it won't even happen. Maybe since I'm pregnant it will be put off. Maybe it will be so bad that I'll have to hospitalized for my own well-being. Maybe my time is up. I don't know whether I'm waiting in the eye of a hurricane or just expecting a storm from an unreliable meteorologist.

I'll know when it's coming. There are always some pretty obvious tells. I'll just keep living my life until it gets here.



Ocean pulls me close
And whispers in my ear
The destiny I've chose
All becoming clear
The currents have their say
The time is drawing near
Washes me away
Makes me disappear