Not a 4th Miscarriage!!

Yesterday I called a nurse and explained that I was sure I had miscarried but felt nauseous and was in pain. They set up an appointment for an hour later, and I zipped on over. I was emotional and couldn't stop crying. I explained everything that had happened to the nurse, and by some miracle the ultrasound technician just happened to have an opening without a separate appointment. I went over to that room, and she was just looking for leftover tissue, but instead she found two large ovarian cysts and a little bubble. When she zoomed into the bubble it turned out to be a baby.

A baby.

A BABY! And its little heart was beating, and I cried, "It-it's alive?!" Then I started crying all over again. No one could really explain the bleeding from before. I was told it could be from the cervix, subchorionic bleeding, or I miscarried a twin. All I know is, there is a living being depending on me, and I'm going to do all I can to save it.

4 Miscarriages

I had my fourth miscarriage last night. I was over 7 weeks along when it happened. It was easier than the last one, but it's completely messing up my emotions. I keep trying to throw myself into my hobbies to keep afloat, but it's there with the emotional and physical pain, taunting me. 4 miscarriages. 4 miscarriages. 4 miscarriages.

My life is a mess, but it's easier to pretend it's fine and carry on when most people don't know about it. Ignorance is only bliss when the ignorant is unaware of their ignorance.

I feel...so much.

Aftermath of my 3rd miscarriage

I was nine weeks and two days along when I miscarried on Wednesday. The pain when it started was blinding, and the kids began running in my bathroom to the sounds of shrieks and screams I hadn't known I was capable of emitting.

My husband - who had been allowing me to awkwardly hold onto his hands - was probably relieved when my sister showed up uninvited. I was crying, she was crying, and my whole world was blood and tears. I was grateful for her presence (and presents...she got me chocolate, and lots of it.).

The whole gut-wrenching experience lasted five or six hours, and all these following days have been filled with recovery, well-wishes from intuitive friends, and meal after meal after meal.

After talking to a few people today about the experience I felt confused. I wondered why the only actual pain I'd felt was physical. I'd compared my suffering to having my insides digested by the Sarlacc from Return of the Jedi, but I'd only shed emotional tears for a grand total of thirty seconds. This baffled me, because my previous two miscarriages had wrecked me emotionally for days.

I'm an emotional person. I thrive on it. I soak it all in for better or worse, and it's made me a person full of passion and empathy and spirit. So when I was praying this afternoon, I gave God a piece of my mind. I told Him that it felt empty without any of the sadness I felt I deserved to experience. I said that I needed it to feel closure.

Then something very peculiar happened in my mind. I saw a literal image of floodgates being opened and vaguely felt the sensation of drowning. And a voice as clear as anything spoke into my mind, "You would not have been able to bear it."

...

Well, I'm humbled. Once again, my testimony that God has a vested interest in my livelihood is evident, and I'm...beyond eternally grateful for His love and wisdom.

The difference between pain and agony

Anything I've felt in the last two years is nothing compared to the highs and lows I've experienced in the past month and a half since I finished nursing my youngest. I shift from Euphoric to crazed hopelessness in seconds and then back to a manic stream of thoughts that leaves me unable to form coherent speech.

I...don't know what to do. The last three days have been so out of control that I have gone from feeling inundating happiness and love to not being able to feel love at all and honestly feeling like there was nothing to live for.

I don't feel comfortable disclosing what I tried to do during that time, but I do know
I need help.

I need help, and I don't know what to do.

I need help, and I don't where to begin.

What is my life worth when all I do is break my husband's heart with my unhinged mental state? What is my life worth when all my children see is a mother whose emotions deteriorate until I'm completely and mentally incapacitated?

The last several medications I tried just made things worse. Should I just go to a doctor anyway? Should I see my bishop? Should I go to counseling? Should I just get more sleep and take Fish oil pills??

If you read this and are someone who knows me, do NOT call me about it. I'm devastated and absolutely embarrassed that my bipolar disorder is getting so hard to deal with. The last thing I need is a well-meaning intervention/turned awkward phone call.

In fact don't even acknowledge that you read this. I'm mortified by the turn each of the last few days has taken. I cannot express properly how humiliated I am right now, and I would just appreciate prayers and anonymity. I just want everything to go away. I don't want to hurt anymore.

28!

In case you wondering...

I made it! I came. I saw. I conquered!

Afterthoughts:

I've debated with myself for sometime whether or not to share this blog publicly with my friends and extended family, especially with my in-laws who have given be cause both to love and cherish them and (on the flipside) to be wary of their gossip and judgmental tendencies.

Ultimately I have decided not to share it. Even some the select few people I have already told about this blog have shown that they can be closed-minded in painfully and surprisingly hypocritical ways. As I have no desire to subject myself to unnecessary anguish, I will steel the urge to share my triumph and settle for the selfish preservation of my social dignity...if I even have that.

For now I can only hope that people who could benefit from my experiences will find this blog by chance and that it will help them, somehow.


If I ever have another Major Depressive Episode I'll document it here. Until then, adieu.

-Cheryl a.k.a. Viola 

Well, what do you know...

In less than a week I'll be able to say I've broken the cycle.

Was it coincidence? Was it pregnancy and breastfeeding? Self awareness for my condition? Eating 3 eggs a day and cutting out dairy??

I don't care how it happened. It was a miracle, and grateful for it. If I never had another major depressive episode it would be too soon, and the fact that I have now gone almost 6 years without one is absolute proof of God's mercy.

I don't ever want to really be normal, per se...I love the insights that often come with bearing all of these oddities and quirks in my personality. But I do want to feel happy. I want to breathe in the air and taste the wonder of the earth, feel the rain on my face and sense the sun pushing against the clouds.

I've conquered 27. The rest of my life awaits.

Becoming Aware

There is at least one good thing that came from this blog.

Self-awareness.

I recognize the signs of my depressive episodes like the back of my hand. Yes, they still happen, but at least I know it'll end.

One post to type them all

August 22, 2014
I was so exuberantly hyper the whole morning. It feels like so long ago now. I had a mental breakdown tonight. I threw things and yelled at my husband. I told my oldest daughter I didn't want to be a parent. I told her I was tired of trying so hard for so long. I went out on the deck and stood on the porch in the middle of a heavy rainstorm. It was like ice. I stayed there for several minutes. Rain and icy wind and incoherent streams of crazed thought. My husband didn't know I was on the porch and locked the door. I thought about knocking. Instead I just curled up on the wooden slats until I couldn't feel my toes. He saw me and let me in. I curled up on the mat next to the door and cried. My oldest daughter came down the stairs, also crying. I told her I wasn't myself and that she should leave me alone so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. She cried harder. She tried to hug me, but I was soaking wet. The rest of the evening is a blur, but I got her back upstairs to bed and said some apologetic excuses to my husband that I can't remember. Later I tried to go down the stairs and slipped down several steps. It's probably not broken, but there'll be no escaping now...........

August 23, 2014
It hurts to walk. I'm being mean to everyone but can't seem to help it. Can't I just tell my husband I love him? I can't get out more than a few words at a time before my brain seems to short circuit. I tried. I couldn't talk. My ankle hurts a lot. A bad sprain I guess. There is a weight on everything I try to do. When I try to do normal things my hands start shaking, and I start twitching. I don't remember what I'm trying to say. I can't, can't can't think anymore...

August 24, 2014
I'm ashamed and embarrassed at my behavior the past couple of days, but I don't remember what really happened. I'm pretty sure it started with anxiety fed by frustration that catalyzed a manic frenzy (hence the throwing things). The end of a really bad manic episode for me tends to immediately fishtail into an uncontrollable depressive episode. Fortunately it seems to be in submission for now. I cleaned a bit and talked with my husband a lot last night, and that helped immensely.

It's curious how emotional distress of that magnitude makes me so physically exhausted...I wish I could be normal.

September 13, 2014
My ankle stopped hurting sometime this week. I've had my ups and downs, but I've realized no one wants to know about those things. People have their own problems. Why should I burden them with mine?

I'll just keep quiet. I'll be twenty-eight in less than a month. Then this blog will be over.

Everything's just a vicious cycle. I get hyper, I get depressed, I get anxiety, I get angry and irritable, I get depressed. Somewhere in there I pray for help, and my suffocating suffering is subdued. I'm not normal. I never will be, but I know at least a few people love me, craziness and all.

Light at the end

I think I might actually make it through this entire year without a Major Depressive Episode!

Yay!

When feedings don't go well, and I get no sleep.

When I'm sleep deprived I kind of become insane.

But the day my grandfather dies I miraculous keep it together (mostly).

Further evidence that someone in Heaven cares about the well-being of my family.

But Now I'm Down It

Kinda like a cloud I was up way up in the sky.

And I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe.

Sometimes I don't believe them myself and I decided I was never coming down...

I was up above it.

I was up above it.

I was up above it.

I was up above it.

Now I'm down in it

I used to be so big and strong.

I used to know my right from wrong.

I used to never be afraid.

I used to be somebody.

I used to have something inside.

Now just this hole it's open wide.

I used to want it all.

I used to be somebody.

I'll cross my heart and hope to die.

But the needle's already in my eye.

And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why.

And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory.

I looked him right in the eye and said "goodbye."

Keep Busy or else...

Things are going better. Had some talks with my hubby. That's going better. Well, then he bought me Minecraft, and I became obsessed with it... Nothing else new to report. Being busy. I suppose my taste in music is more pensive than usual, but that's just about it. Just keeping busy. Just keep busy. Keep busy.

No, really.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.
Today was...okay to decent.

Funny how a simple text from my husband (who has been at a coworker's house for 5+ hours playing Star Craft) saying he honestly doesn't know when he'll be home can ruin it all...

Oh, I just have an almost 3 month old baby.
Oh, and she still doesn't sleep through the night.
Oh, I still don't have any friends here.
Nope, no car to visit my sister.
I'm too boring for him to pick hanging out at home with me over hanging out with his friends. And I know it's the truth. I'm utterly boring and isolated. People have been nicer to me here than anywhere I've ever lived, but I still feel standoffish and awkward around everyone.

We used to be best friends, but clearly I'm just the mother of his children now.

Well, guess what, world? This is just about the time my loneliness "breaks". If I seem detached in the upcoming days/weeks/(months?) it will assuredly be because I'm finding solace in fantasy land.

Me. In bed all day. Listening to music with headphones. Escaping into a trance. Daydreaming so fervently that eventually it feels like the reality, and everything else feels like a haze.

I know I can't sink that deeply -- because of the kids, but still... I need to escape this world of embittered solitude somehow............

For if you go

Just because I'm not depressed doesn't mean I'm not miserable.

I feel unappreciated and unloved.

Manic has its Upsides

So, for the past five days I've had way more energy, no depressed feelings, and I've been able to clean for hours without getting tired. Coupled with a few days of PMS, all I've really had to deal with is a couple stretches of intense irritability and shedding hair (Maybe TMI, but whatever...). I suppose I did almost get in a car accident due to the idiot driver who tried (unsuccessfully) to do a u-turn in front of oncoming traffic and then proceeded to cut me off, but that's the only really impulsive thing I've done. I cuddled with my hubby...and I liked it! And I want to do it again!

Yep, in a battle of libido-crushing breastfeeding vs. manic/hyper-lust it seems to be a pretty even battle. Too bad my period freaking started! TMI I know, but this is my blog, and I'm not sorry!

We Must Push On

So I had the baby at the end of January. She's adorable and looks a great deal like her siblings. For the first two weeks proceeding her birth I felt fantastic. Then sleep deprivation caught up with me and I had three psychotic days where I might as well have been hitting my head against a wall repeatedly. Then I took lots of naps and things got a bit better.

The only time I actually felt like I was getting truly depressed during those past few weeks was three days a little over a week ago while my parents were in town visiting. I don't know if it was stress, sleep deprivation, just hormones, or a combination of those (and possibly other) factors.

Then my parents left AND my husband went out of town for 4 days for a work conference. I thought it was going to be horrible, and I would die or implode or go insane, but none of those things happened. My oldest was on time to school every day, we were eating relatively healthy meals, and I felt - for the first time in my life - that if worse came to worst that I'd actually probably be able to handle being a single mom and not completely suck at it.

Things haven't been all daisies and roses though. It's most likely the sleep deprivation, but I'm having a lot of trouble accessing my romantic side. I feel so deadened in that area that I'm afraid to even cuddle with my husband for fear that he might want to do more as a result. He's mentioned this before during a few rough patches, and I recalled again today, that during times like these it's not like we're married so much as roommates who happen to share a bed...

And today I felt depressed. Badly. I even considered writing a letter to my husband explaining that I would understand if he wanted to leave me. I feel guilty for being tired, for feeling so little outward affection, for not being the fun and quirky person I know is in there somewhere. I know I shouldn't punish myself, but I want to get out of this rut. I want to be me again.

Progesterone again? ...Then a meltdown.

Once again, the evening progressed in such a way that I should now be feeling numb and depressed, but I felt it fade...again. Weird that I could physically feel the symptoms of a depressive episode and was able to feel them dissipate after half and hour or so. Is this the pregnancy? I'll take all of the bodily pain I've been having ANY DAY over a depressive episode that doesn't go away. I don't necessarily feel like myself; I haven't for a while, but it's better than nothing.

It's better than nothing.

Oh, and as for why I would normally be depressed right about now? Oh nothing, just finding out some of my in-laws think I'm cold, aloof, and occasionally hateful toward them when I had no idea that anything was wrong.

My husband, just now, agreed that lately I have been cold and aloof.

...

Maybe I'm not totally over it. I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed that I'm not the happy-go-lucky pregnant lady. Embarrassed that I've had to deal with a difficult past several months, 2 miscarriages, chronic fatigue, depressive episodes, bipolar disorder.

Embarrassed that I'm not bold enough to reveal to my friends or even all of my family that I am a screwed up person - isolated from a series of unfortunate events that have left me feeling like an emotional recluse.

Useless from a pregnancy that has emptied my mind of creativity, so clumsy that I drop things and trip constantly, and in so much pain that I can't even help take care of my house.

I don't know why I can't just be normal.

Oh, and here's a picture of an embarrassing, useless, screwed-up person that I drew during a minor depressive episode 6 months ago:

...I can't stand myself.

3 weeks 'til due

It's a tribute to my progesterone levels that I haven't gotten depressed the past couple of months. I start to, but then it just kind of dissolves. I'm due to have this baby in three weeks, so hopefully everything will go smoothly, and hopefully I'll get enough sleep.

I'm just so tired and sore and full of aches and pains that I don't know how I'm going to get anything done until then, and I desperately need to get a hospital to-go bag ready.

Just pain and blah...............

Pregnancy is annoying and difficult

Having a week or two of feeling depressed for no good reason during pregnancy is not fun. It's only happened 3 or so times in the last 5 months, but still. And what's with my trouble breathing every time I lay down? or the feeling like my leg is dislocated from my hips every time I get out of bed?

The worst part of all this is the crying though. I thought I cried a lot before but Heaven Sakes Alive I don't seem to ever stop crying these days. Yesterday I tried eating a Reese's peanut butter cup and bit into it with the paper wrapper still on - and I cried like crazy. One of the many examples of my numerous outbursts of tears over the past several weeks. It's awful.

I wonder if people think 'I wish she would stop being so blubbery and just stop crying." There was even a moment yesterday that I was bawling in the car, looking out the window thinking (pretty objectively, mind you), "This is so pathetic. Here I am, typical hormonal pregnant lady, sobbing like a baby. I don't even need to be crying, but I just keep crying, crying, crying... Pathetic. I hope the kids aren't scarred by this..." wailing like an idiot all the while.

And when I'm not crying I'm extremely tired. Those are the breaks.. *rolls eyes* The baby's healthy though, so that's good.

It's 27 Time

I had an easygoing, relaxing birthday. The weather's been getting cold, and the reminiscent smell of autumn makes me feel whiffs of morning sickness every so often. lol.

I've also been extraordinarily tired, especially at night. I'm guessing it's a pregnancy phase, but I've been feeling dead tired between 9:30-10:00 every night. I asked my ob/gyn about it, and she said, "Well, you know, you are getting older..."

... I was not amused...

lol

But it's been good. I feel mentally subdued, and it's occasionally frustrating, but I'll take brain fog and extreme fatigue over the other stuff.

I mean, I would like to get the house clean, and I'd love to start writing again, but as of right now I'm just too tired and too brain dead, and I'm just taking everything one day at a time.

Well, Happy Birthday to me. woo. I'm trying to strengthen myself spiritually and emotionally and physically for when the tides roll in. But I feel pretty good inside at the moment, and I'm holding on to it.