Why Can't I Just Be Normal?

I can't remember. After my moment of overwhelming peace a few days ago I slipped back into emptiness. I should have filled the void with peaceful, good things, but I didn't. I felt lively. Then I felt aggressive. Then I felt tired. Then I felt dull. But then within the dullness... I had moments where I was outgoing, spontaneous, cute, and fun. Then I'd slip back into my stupor where nothing could breakthrough my lifeless, weighted feelings.

After a couple days of zombie stupor with occasional energetic bursts of extroversion I realized today that I was genuinely depressed. Nothing was satisfying me, nothing gave me pleasure. It felt like it was all pretend. Then I thought of my poor, dear husband. He didn't deserve my lifeless attitude, but I couldn't help it. I also began to realize that my life was overwhelmingly dominated by depression. In fact, everything I feel in life tends to fall into the following categories:

Depression - 40%... maybe
Mania- 30%... sounds about right...
Peace- 9%... possibly
Normalcy- 18%... Yeah, I'm totally making these numbers up
Complete Psychological Meltdown- 3%... Probably more during an episode

I don't know what it was. Maybe my brain just broke... but when I started thinking about how truly messed up I was I felt the insatiable urge to hurt myself. I was so sick of feeling this same loop of hyper-happy, then deadened, then depressed, then masochistic tendencies cycling endlessly. I didn't want it. I fought the urge.

Then I started to shake. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop shaking. I was just pawing at a chair in front of me like an idiot, trying to hurt myself yet trying not to hurt myself. Then came the hideous sound effects. I was truly crazy, rocking back and forth, screeching like a dying animal. I was just begging to the air... "Help me, Please help me." I couldn't stop scratching my arm with my fingernails. The pain inside me just wouldn't go away.

My husband came upstairs, and even though my previously lifeless, apathetic behavior was wearing on him, he held me. He calmed me. He loved me. Then he left to do something. I was just in awe at how ridiculous it all was. Why was I so bubbly and happy one minute and completely dead the next? I found myself nearly shouting again. "Why can't I be normal? Why can't I just be normal?" The shaking, the moaned shrieking began to resurface, but I was clinging to my last shreds of sanity for help. I ran to my bedroom, and shaking and clawing at my bed, begging and crying in prayer to be comforted. My prayers were answered. Those crazed feelings are tucked under the surface, beneath my skin. I didn't exactly make it to the "peace" stage, but I was grateful nonetheless.

Now I'm exhausted. I understand now that fatigue is my body's way of recuperating from all these messed up things in my life. I also understand that I need a doctor, badly. I just need help.