Pregnancy is annoying and difficult

Having a week or two of feeling depressed for no good reason during pregnancy is not fun. It's only happened 3 or so times in the last 5 months, but still. And what's with my trouble breathing every time I lay down? or the feeling like my leg is dislocated from my hips every time I get out of bed?

The worst part of all this is the crying though. I thought I cried a lot before but Heaven Sakes Alive I don't seem to ever stop crying these days. Yesterday I tried eating a Reese's peanut butter cup and bit into it with the paper wrapper still on - and I cried like crazy. One of the many examples of my numerous outbursts of tears over the past several weeks. It's awful.

I wonder if people think 'I wish she would stop being so blubbery and just stop crying." There was even a moment yesterday that I was bawling in the car, looking out the window thinking (pretty objectively, mind you), "This is so pathetic. Here I am, typical hormonal pregnant lady, sobbing like a baby. I don't even need to be crying, but I just keep crying, crying, crying... Pathetic. I hope the kids aren't scarred by this..." wailing like an idiot all the while.

And when I'm not crying I'm extremely tired. Those are the breaks.. *rolls eyes* The baby's healthy though, so that's good.

It's 27 Time

I had an easygoing, relaxing birthday. The weather's been getting cold, and the reminiscent smell of autumn makes me feel whiffs of morning sickness every so often. lol.

I've also been extraordinarily tired, especially at night. I'm guessing it's a pregnancy phase, but I've been feeling dead tired between 9:30-10:00 every night. I asked my ob/gyn about it, and she said, "Well, you know, you are getting older..."

... I was not amused...

lol

But it's been good. I feel mentally subdued, and it's occasionally frustrating, but I'll take brain fog and extreme fatigue over the other stuff.

I mean, I would like to get the house clean, and I'd love to start writing again, but as of right now I'm just too tired and too brain dead, and I'm just taking everything one day at a time.

Well, Happy Birthday to me. woo. I'm trying to strengthen myself spiritually and emotionally and physically for when the tides roll in. But I feel pretty good inside at the moment, and I'm holding on to it.

The Time Is Drawing Near

I haven't felt particularly happy or especially depressed lately. My morning sickness has mostly ebbed. I'm still quite dizzy at times, but it's getting better, and I'm getting stronger. School for my five-year-old has kept me busy, and I haven't been able to dwell much on anything due to a severe case of brain fog. I turn twenty-seven in a month, so I'm just wondering what's going to happen. Like I'm sitting on the edge of an empty pool, wondering if it will be a little tub of water or a tumultuous ocean when it finally fills.

My mind is buzzing and suppressed with fatigue simultaneously. I mean, this is the first time I've tracked a Major Depressive Episode before it's occurred. Maybe it won't even happen. Maybe since I'm pregnant it will be put off. Maybe it will be so bad that I'll have to hospitalized for my own well-being. Maybe my time is up. I don't know whether I'm waiting in the eye of a hurricane or just expecting a storm from an unreliable meteorologist.

I'll know when it's coming. There are always some pretty obvious tells. I'll just keep living my life until it gets here.



Ocean pulls me close
And whispers in my ear
The destiny I've chose
All becoming clear
The currents have their say
The time is drawing near
Washes me away
Makes me disappear

Please don't Define me by my Disorders

I would like to reiterate what I said when I first began this blog a year and a half ago.

I am a happy person. I have great joy from my life and in the little things around me. I find nature fascinating and love the outdoors. I am artistic and find passion in music, writing, painting, and every crafty hobby you can think of. My faith blesses me on a daily basis, and I would be lost without it.

Please, rest assured that I am not a suicidal person. You may wonder how I've attempted suicide three times and could possibly not be suicidal, but it's simple really. I am not the diseases and disorders that afflict me. I have Bipolar Disorder, but it doesn't define who I am always and eternally. I constantly fight to gain my ground over these issues, and sometimes it's a lot more difficult than other times. Sometimes I make mistakes; unable to process anything but pain and the virulent - sometimes masochistic - ways to relieve that pain. Sometimes I can only think of dying and wishing I could be put out of my misery.

But somehow I've been protected from dying. I attribute it to the faith and prayers of my family members mostly and to God's mercy. Somehow in God's infinite plan I've been saved for something.

Now, this next 18 months is probably going to be extremely precarious for me. I worry that a major depressive episode paired with postpartum depression will be too much for me. I'm not afraid of death, but I do fear myself doing something irrational when I'm in a state of mind I can't control. Imagine my scary post from two days ago - now double the screaming in my head, and make it last 2-6 months. ...Yes, I am afraid of dying the wrong way. I'm terrified of the emotional damage I might inflict on my children when I'm beyond mental agony and can't stop crying and trying to scrape away the pain, and having to hide in my room so they won't see it anymore. I'm afraid of leaving my husband and children without a wife and mother, because I couldn't remember what love or happiness and anything aside from a crazed sense of inundating mental agony. I don't even know how I keep surviving.

But...I do hope and believe that I'll come out of it somehow - stronger, and hopefully more resilient than ever before.

I just have to keep clinging to that faith and hope as the days grow darker...and the episodes more severe.

Slightly better

Sometimes when a manic episode switches directly to a depressive one my brain goes into overload. I literally feel like my skin is on fire, and I scratch at it and feel like I'm suffocating, and, yes, it's like there's a screaming in my head that won't go away. It is an excruciating experience that I wish was one that I would grow out of, but so far in the last 14 years that unfortunately has not been the case.

I miraculously willed myself to leave my room, and with a silent embrace from my husband and the help of my three-year-old daughter singing "I'm a Little Teapot" several times I was able to emerge from that disastrous hour and a half relatively unscathed. Now I'm encompassed with fatigue, weighing down absolutely every molecule of my body, but I'll take that over screaming death-rage any day.

...Sometimes it's a wonder I'm alive at all.

mania is gone

I can't get rid of it. I can't get rid of it. The screaming in my head won't go away. Oh, God, why is this happening? Make it stop. make it stop. make it stop. oh, God, please make this go away. Take my pain away. Make it stop. Die. just let me die now. Don't. don't don't don't. I deserve this. I deserve everything. Make it hurt. Pain. pain pain pain. Pain, I need pain. Give me something. Anything. It won't go away. it won't go. Go. Leave me alone. Just let me die. My head won't shut up. shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up. I caaannn''t breathe. I cannot breathe. my head is suffocating me. why. why why. Why can't I ever shut up. why do I say stupid things. Why don't I work right? why don't I work right? stop crying. stop it stopit. I can't stop this pain and my mind won't stop screaming. I can't take this pain anymore. why am i alive. why does this always happen to me. why am i falling so far. why is my mind on fire. I can't breathe. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't. just. just. shsuuat.......szldkgjakl;fa.sfd..vbfzcxv

Manic Morning Sickness

For the past two weeks and two days I have been experiencing a manic episode. Recognizing the signs of such an episode have made it easier to maximize directing my manic energy toward hobbies and tasks... with one caveat: my morning sickness.

Oh, yes, my morning sickness is still at large, laying in wait for the moments I feel well enough to do anything other than sit in bed...

...So I've had to utilize my manic energy in other ways, such as: writing stories, genealogy, reading, looking at houses, online school shopping, blogging, singing karaoke, photoshop, movie watching, coloring, playing with legos, taking naps.

It's kind of frustrating. My mind feels like there's an electrical current running through it, and I'm aching to go conquer the world! My stomach on the other hand feels like rotting fish and a family of rodents have taken residence. So I just sit here with my mind on fire, trying to be somewhat of a decent mom, and trying to figure out ways to direct my energy without the nausea.

Hopefully I'll be able to do more soon. :-/

And I can't stop crying

During my first semester of college I sang a song that touched my heart so much that I immediately bought thirty copies and gave it to my high school choir director as a gift. Hearing that song today, seven and a half year later, filled me with such longing and sorrow that I began to sob uncontrollably.

Weep No More by David Childs

I miss home...

10 Weeks and Crazy

I haven't written it on here yet, though pretty much everyone who knows about my "secret blog" already knows, but I'm pregnant again (Yay!). I'm 10 1/2 weeks along, and things are going well. Translation: I'm extremely sick and can't move around too much without puking.

Sometimes I am so sick that emotional problems become a non-issue, but as my morning sickness begins to ebb during my more lively hours it's like my body wants to dump the emotional stuff on me that I've been missing.

It's difficult to have Bipolar Disorder and Pregnancy hormones all fighting for dominance inside my mind and body.

I can't... get a hold on myself.

I don't know which side of me is in control...

Like Spinning Plates

While you make pretty speeches
I'm being cut to shreds
You feed me to the lions
A delicate balance.

And this just feels like spinning plates
I'm living in cloud cuckoo land
And this just feels like spinning plates
My body's floating down the muddy river.

I was fine earlier.
I WAS FINE EARLIER.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.

Verifiably Insane

I've always heard the phrase "I'm going insane." or "Ugh, this is driving me crazy!" It's amusing to me how American slang or vernacular sometimes has barely anything to do with the word upon which it was originally derived.

Today I pondered on how I have felt like I've been more in touch with the inner workings of my mind. I've been discovering patterns, linking seemingly disconnected things together, and finding logic behind the illogical.

Then it occurred to me... what if those things aren't connected? What if I'm literally losing my mind.

It's an unsettling feeling to think you might be actually slipping away from your grip on reality. I feel like I can't find a solid ground for my thoughts. They're disjointed and moving so rapidly that it's difficult to focus on anything completely.

What if I really am going crazy? Sometimes... it's like I don't even know what's real and what isn't...

Unmistakable

I have friends who insist there is no divine being after death - that we can do whatever we want and it won't matter, because there are no consequences. One of these friends in particular used to be super religious. He even introduced me to Veggietales when we were sixteen.

I don't want to argue or cause a rift, but I absolutely know that there is a divine entity. There's one instance specifically that comes to mind:

When I was a teenager I visited Lake Medina in San Antonio to go cliff jumping with my cousins. There was a drought that summer, and my aunt who owns a lakehouse nearby estimated that the cliff we had chosen to jump from was at least one-hundred and forty feet high at the time.

My cousins were all quite nervous, and even though they were a year older I wanted to prove myself to them, and I opted to go first. I had also opted not to bring my life jacket. After several minutes of wavering my cousin Lindsey shouted, "Just Go!" I jumped impulsively, flying through the air screaming. Unfortunately with my screaming I didn't see how quickly the water was approaching. I only managed a hint of a breath before I plunged straight down into the murky waters.

Several seconds passed. I had no air, and I was still sinking lower. There was a lancing pain in my leg where it had hit the water wrong, but I finally managed to kick my legs, moving frantically upward. I could feel my lungs burning and straining, desperate for oxygen. At last I could tell I was getting closer to the surface as light grew brighter, but, as I reached forward in desperation, the horrific realization that I wasn't moving fast enough sent me into a panic.

Then, as spots were appearing in my eyes and I'd just about given up hope, a hand reached into the water and pulled me up, breaking the surface of the lake. I could breathe... I gasped for air like I had never tasted oxygen, and I could feel the life pouring back into my lungs. The man pulled me to a cove of rocks; he asked if I was all right, and I vaguely nodded. I caught my breath for several seconds. Then when I looked up to thank him... he was gone - nowhere in sight.

My aunts and uncle, who had been watching the cliff jumping from my uncle's boat, all told me that they hadn't seen anyone help me out of the water when I asked where the man was. I looked around wildly at the few other large boats scattered around, and there was no one, absolutely no one nearby who looked like the man I had seen.

I have absolutely no doubt that I was saved by an angel or whatever divine equivalent there is.

I don't know why, but I have been saved from death through divine intervention three distinct times in my memory, probably more. And I know that I was saved for something far greater than to just "be happy" however I want. I wish my friends could see the way I see. I wish they could know how much they are loved by a Divine Creator - who gave them life, love, and the opportunity to experience it to the best of their abilities.

And even though it is my lot in life to suffer a multitude of emotional and psychological agony at times - I know it will make me stronger, and my joy that much greater when I've completed my journey on this earth.

Capacity of the Mind

I've accepted the fact that my pains are caused by stressors from the trauma of my miscarriage. I have to admit though - I'm complete in awe of the capacity my mind possessed to cause myself such excruciating physical agony. I've been rereading Harry Potter, so I'll just chalk it up to wandless magic...

Hufflepuff and proud of it!

Yeah... I'm sure it's something like that... Although, considering the pain I was able to cause myself maybe I should have made myself a Slytherin, haha.

It's All In Your Head

Psychosomatic. It's like... the physical equivalent of Schizophrenic... Instead of seeing things that aren't real you're feeling pains that aren't there. It's when trauma and/or distress in your mind causes physical pain in your body, but no matter how many tests you have there won't be anything to find. Nothing's really wrong. It's all in your head.

It's probably the reason I've been in such freaking pain lately.



...Sometimes I really hate my body.

Perfect, Fine, and Great...

The nurse called me back to tell me that my ultrasound was normal and my uterus looked great. Fantastic. Great. Perfect. Meanwhile I'm having an freak-load of pain with no logical explanation. I can't spend time with my kids without crying out in pain every few minutes that I'm standing. I HATE DOCTORS. I am so unbelievably furious with their utter lack of concern. I asked her why I'm in such pain if there's nothing wrong, and she told me to call my primary care doctor or find a gastro-enterologist... Of course... I knew this would happen too. Screw doctors. This is the last time I take anyone's freaking advice to go see one. I just hurt so much, and I'm so angry, and I don't know what to do with myself, because I'm in such pain.

Pelvic Ultrasound

I went in for an ultrasound today and was told to drink 32 oz of water an hour before my appointment. Let me tell you - I had to pee like a race horse by the time I got in there. The nurse told me that a full bladder helps push the uterus forward so they can get a better look. Yeah, well, it still wasn't a good enough look for a regular ultrasound, so I had to have a trans-vaginal one... I would hate to have that job. lol

So the lady's looking at my uterus and can't get the right angle because my uterus is tilted apparently... this day just keeps getting better and better. Finally she looks at my ovaries. My right one looked like some kind of awesome monochrome avocado:

That white line underneath was from when they measured the sound inside it I guess? It was a fuzzy, flat sound, and the lady didn't seem too concerned.

Then for the left ovary....

It's like... the ghost of ovaries past... lol. Well, obviously it looks different, and it looked bigger from what I could tell. After measuring the size (which I didn't think to write down) the lady listened to the sound inside of it and got very clear reverb. It had a pretty steady beat and reminded me of the pulse of a heart. But what concerned me most was the nurse's reaction. She sighed, and it sounded like a worried sigh.

She quickly took some pictures of something called an adnex (I'm not really sure) on both sides and told me that a radiologist would study the data, call my doctor, and I would know their consensus by Wednesday at the latest.

Meanwhile, I'm in pain, hoping the kids will survive my lack of proactive parenting, and wondering what the heck "internal echoes" are...

Oy vey, Ovaries...

Almost every day of the last 3 weeks of the pregnancy I was cramping. I miscarried and fully expected the pain to subside with the bleeding, but it didn't. In fact it's gotten worse. Every day I am assuaged with sharp stabbing cramps at some point in the day around both of my ovaries... lovely...

After my father scolded me for not going to the doctor I went to the hospital on Monday, April 15th. My hcg level was still at 10 - quite low, but not at 0 where it should have been already. I went to an ob/gyn on Friday the 19th to have a pelvic exam, and now I have to go to the radiology center in the hospital to have a pelvic ultrasound on Monday the 22nd.

It's probably just some cysts, but I come from a family of sisters that tend to imagine worst case scenarios in prolific and elaborate ways. I couldn't sleep a couple of nights ago, so I began to look up ovarian pain, etc, and by 3 in the morning I was positive I had ovarian cancer. Ha. It would truly take a miracle for me to get over something like that, so I'm just going to keep hoping that it's a couple of cysts that got twisted or ruptured instead.

Still, if it is the worst case scenario I would like to document noteworthy physical changes to my body in the last several months.

The faint of heart and the faint of butt should stop reading here:

(That's a joke from homestarrunner.com)

August - September 2012 - Lost 15 pounds for seemingly no reason
October - November 2012 - Lost 5 more pounds for no reason
January - March 2013 - Significant changes in bowel habits.
February 16th 2013 - Period is 6 days early
February - April 2013 - Gained 7 pounds
March 18th - April 4th, 2013 - Pregnant and cramping, only a little nauseous
April 4th - April 11th 2013- Miscarriage, Sharp Pain, Cramping, Blood Clots Galore
April 2013 - present - Fatigue stacked on top of my normal fatigue, hard to stay awake at nights, brain fog, Nauseous for no reason on and off throughout the day
April 12th - present- Progressively more and more cramping and sharp pains on both sides of my Uterus, occasional lower back pain, stomach (which had flattened out a bit after miscarrying) is bloated all the time
April 15th - present- Not hungry, I feel stuffed after eating a few bites, so tired I can hardly stay awake day or night.

It's probably just cysts, but I want to have all this written down in case it's not...

e-Façades

It is so easy for a person to hide what they're feeling on social networking sites. No one wants to read a post on how someone else actually feels.

Too reflective? Booooring.
Too sad? Wow, that girl is whiny.
Too angry? Dang. That guy has some serious aggression issues.

So, pretty much everything I post is some safe thought lingering around the surface. Only when I'm in absolute despair or some other extremely heightened emotion do the less acceptable comments slip out. I'm doing a lot better with this miscarriage than I did with the last one. I've only cried six times or so. Still don't know what I'm supposed to learn from all this... but I'll figure it out. I always do.

Miscarriage

March of last year I miscarried at six and a half weeks. I guess I should be happy I made to seven weeks this time... The hormones of being pregnant, even for a brief period of time, make this miscarriage much more difficult than it should be. I already have to endure the physical pain of expelling copious amounts of blood and shredded bits of embryo. Forgive me for feeling a bit despairing... It's been a difficult few weeks that I would never wish on anyone else. I've just got to get through the pain and learn from this somehow...

What a month it's been

This has been a trying month.

The first week I was a wreck hidden beneath a shell of indifference... my emotions going back an forth like a slingshot on the inside, but aloof and disconnected on the outside. The biggest clue that something was wrong was that I couldn't cry. I always cry.

Then I got sick for two weeks. Then the week after that I felt completely dead and emotionless - like the coldness on the outside seeped its way to the inside. I offered a last-ditch plea to God, telling him that I could hardly remember what love or happiness felt like, but that I knew somewhere inside that I didn't want to lose that goodness. I begged for help and felt like I should listen to some music. I listened to a couple uplifting songs, but when "He Hears Me" by Hilary Weeks came on the words seemed to pierce my soul, and I began to cry for the first time in weeks.

While this experience was excruciating for me it was equally taxing on my husband. I'm so grateful he stayed by my side. He's like a lifeline for me during these tough times, and I'm so euphorically happy that I can feel the love I have for him and my children again.

Precordial Catch Syndrome

This isn't really related to emotional problems, but I feel I should document this. When I was a child I suffered for years from this. Then it went away some time around 2001 throughout highschool and post-highschool life. It wasn't until 2008 that it resurged, but that didn't last long. Now I've been suffering from it every day this week, and I hope it goes away soon.

PCS manifests itself as a very intense, sharp pain, typically at the left side of the chest, generally in the cartilage between the bones of the sternum and rib cage, which is worse when taking breaths...  On rare occasions, breathing in or out suddenly will cause a small popping or cracking sensation in the chest, which results in the pain going away. In most cases the pain is resolved quickly and completely, and medication is not needed for the pain to subside. There is no known treatment or cure for PCS. 

Yep. I was told in 2008 that this was most likely what I had, but there was nothing that could be done about it. Every time that I know of however, I've been able to take a quick deep through the brilliant, searing pain, and it will literally feel like a bursting bubble on the left side of my chest. It hurts like there's no tomorrow, but then the pain is gone... at least it is for now...

There and Back again... a tale of Anxiety

Things have been going pretty well since my last depressive episode. The only real issues I've been having are with anxiety, stress, and fatigue. I just keep going one day at a time, hoping things will continue to improve. I'm grateful that it's anxiety and not despair. I'll take panic attacks over bouts of crazed anguish any day... Perhaps I'll elaborate another day. Too tired tonight.

Mania, Worthlessness, and everything in between.

I faked my life like I've lived too much.

Where Am I?

My husband is my best friend. If something were to happen to him I think my mind would break. In all seriousness I do not think I'd be able to care for my children if he were gone. So why do I get so depressed and start thinking that I want to leave my family? I'm pretty sure I would lose the will to live at all if I left them. My mind is not in a good place...

I didn't feel like drawing my usual little person. In fact I haven't drawn her in a while... so this is the best you're getting. Interpret however you want -- I'm feeling a bit destructive.